How to Set Boundaries Without Losing Your Cool

You want to speak your truth—but every time you try, your voice shakes, your heart races, and tears threaten to spill over.

You’re not weak. You’re not broken. You’re a woman who’s lived through deep emotional pain—and your nervous system is simply doing its job: protecting you from perceived danger. But here’s the catch… that protective response can sabotage your best efforts to set healthy boundaries. Instead of calmly expressing your needs, you shut down, lash out, or cry—leaving you feeling exposed, misunderstood, and ashamed. You’ve read the books, followed the influencers, maybe even journaled your heart out… so why does standing up for yourself still feel so hard?

Let’s talk about it.

From Losing It to Leading with Clarity: My Story

I used to avoid conflict at all costs. I silenced my needs, let people cross lines, and then inevitably broke down—crying, yelling, or withdrawing completely. I wasn’t just “emotional”—I was dysregulated.

What changed? I stopped treating my emotional responses like the enemy and began healing my relationship with my nervous system. Through my daily Ashtanga yoga practice, DBT skills, and learning how to hold space for myself with compassion, I started showing up differently. I could set a boundary without shaking. I could say no without guilt. I could stay in the moment—even when it got uncomfortable.

This is the work I now share inside The Daily CALM Practice—a step-by-step system that changed my life and has transformed the lives of the women I work with.

Why Setting Boundaries Feels Like a Battle

Setting boundaries should be simple: you state your needs and uphold your limits. But for trauma survivors, the body doesn’t feel safe when doing so. Here’s why:

• Emotional Dysregulation: Childhood trauma wires us to anticipate danger in relationships. Even calm conversations can feel like emotional landmines.

• Invalidation Trauma: If your needs were dismissed or punished growing up, speaking up now may trigger shame or panic.

• Lack of Skills, Not Willpower: Traditional therapy often skips teaching how to express needs without escalating emotions. This is where DBT and somatic tools come in.

In yogic philosophy, svadhyaya—self-study—is essential for liberation. Through consistent self-awareness, you start to see your patterns not as flaws, but as invitations for deeper healing. And through the lens of ahimsa (non-harming), you learn that boundary-setting isn’t about creating separation—it’s about preserving connection with yourself and others.

3 Steps to Set Boundaries Without Losing Your Cool

1. Regulate First, Respond Later
   Use grounding breathwork like box breathing or nadi shodhana (alternate nostril breathing) before entering a boundary-setting conversation. A calm nervous system leads to a clear voice.

2. Use the DBT GIVE Skill
   DBT teaches us how to balance kindness and firmness. GIVE stands for:

   • Gentle tone and body language

   • Interested in their point of view

   • Validate their feelings

   • Easy manner to reduce tension
     You can still be warm and direct.

3. Prepare Your Script Ahead of Time
   Write out what you want to say. Practice it. If emotion takes over, that’s okay—you’re retraining your nervous system one conversation at a time.

You Deserve to Be Heard—Without the Overwhelm

Boundaries don’t have to mean blowups. Healing means learning to stay with yourself—even when it’s hard. If you're ready to master this skill and move beyond the emotional rollercoaster, I invite you to take the next step.

👉 Download my free guide: Yoga’s 8 Limbs to Heal Trauma and Find Lasting Peace
👉 Or join The Daily CALM Practice 8-Week Transformation—my signature program designed to help you stay calm, speak clearly, and create connection that lasts.

You’ve done the work to get here. Let’s take the next step—together.

By Mandi Gardner, Founder of Holistic Evolution Shala