Why we push away the people we love to feel in the right, and what to do instead
Welcome. I'm so glad you're here.
Two questions before we begin.
Have you ever kept arguing long after you knew the point wasn't worth the damage?
Have you ever felt the urge to say sorry and felt something in you refuse?
If you said yes to either one, you are in good company. Thank you for reading, and for being willing to look.
What's in it for you
By the end, you will understand why being wrong can feel like dying, what narcissistic traits actually look like (and where they come from), and how to choose kindness when your nervous system wants to win. You will also get a self-check you can do in private, and a list of ways to give people the benefit of the doubt.
Why you should listen to me
I have practiced yoga for more than 20 years, I have been working one on one with people as a hairstylist for 27 years, and I have read wisdom texts every morning for more than eight. I'm the author of RISING, and I teach people how to develop and strengthen their daily personal sadhana (or yoga practice). I'm not a therapist, and nothing here is a diagnosis. I have spent years studying how personality patterns shape families, because they shaped mine. I'm sharing research and my own lived experience.
I have also been on both sides of this. I've been on the receiving end of someone who could not be wrong. And I’ve also dug my heals in, so to speak, and refused to acknowledge harm I’ve caused out of fear of being abandoned. The cost was damage to the relationship; less trust and more fear.
The three things we'll cover
Why being right feels like survival
What narcissistic traits look like, and where they come from
How to choose kindness over being right
1. Why being right feels like survival
Psychologists describe a basic human drive: we are motivated to protect the integrity and worth of the self. When something threatens the picture we hold of ourselves as good, capable, and fair, we defend it. We argue. We explain. We go cold. We leave.
That explains why admitting fault can feel like dying. For some of us, our sense of worth is built on being right or being good. Being wrong doesn't feel like a mistake. It feels like losing our place.
Relationship researcher John Gottman identified defensiveness as one of four patterns that erode relationships. Defensiveness is not a character flaw so much as a threat response. When the body reads a conversation as danger, the thinking brain goes offline, and the part that protects us takes over.
Here is the hopeful part. In many experiments, people who first wrote about their core values became less defensive and more open to threatening information. Reviews of this research also find that reminding yourself of your values can reduce physiological stress responses. In other words, the less your worth depends on being right, the easier it is to be honest.
My story. My mother has disowned me and my siblings. She says we are toxic. As far as I can tell, she has never taken responsibility for how her behavior affected us growing up. Once, in therapy together as adults, she told the therapist that she had been divorced twice. I turned my head in confusion, “How many times have you been divorced?” At this point, she had been divorced 4 times. Us kids had been through 4 of her divorces. Yet she was telling a false narrative to the therapist. This was beyond confusing and deflating. How can we make progress if we can’t even be honest?
I can only tell you my side. I'm not here to label her, and her health history is hers to share. I don't know everything she carries. I do know what it's like to be on the receiving end of someone who cannot say, I was wrong, and I'm sorry.
One more truth. Whatever you believe is your perception of reality. Facts are facts. But two people can live through the same event and remember it differently. If you think you're right, you are probably partly right and partly wrong.
A healthier place to stand is this: I believe it to be true, and I understand that I might be mistaken. Being overly attached to one idea is a red flag.
Review: Being right feels like survival because our sense of worth is on the line. Protect your worth another way, and you can afford to be honest.
2. What narcissistic traits look like, and where they come from
Traits are not a diagnosis. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a pattern of grandiosity (can be either overt or subtle), need for admiration, and lack of empathy. A diagnosis requires five or more of nine criteria, in a lasting pattern across many parts of life, and only a licensed professional can make it. Estimates in community samples range from 0% to 6.2%, and one large U.S. survey found a lifetime rate of 6.2%, higher among men (7.7%) than women (4.8%). Many more people have some narcissistic traits some of the time.
What the behavior can look like in relationships
Can't apologize without adding 'but'
Retells conflicts so they always come out as the reasonable one
Treats disagreement as an attack
Shows empathy only when it costs nothing
Goes silent or withdraws affection to punish
Makes the other person the problem
Surrounds themselves with people who only agree
Where it comes from. A 2015 study in PNAS followed 565 Dutch children aged 7 to 12. It found that narcissism was predicted by parental overvaluation, meaning parents seeing their child as more special and entitled than others. A lack of warmth did not predict it. Warmth predicted healthy self-esteem. The researchers also note that narcissism is partly heritable, so family is not the whole story. And nothing here means that a child with narcissistic traits is doomed. People can learn and grow.
A note on where I come from. I grew up Mormon, and I live in Utah, so I want to say this carefully. Research does not show that any religion causes narcissism. The studies are mixed. What I can offer is my own experience. As a child, I was taught that I was a special chosen child of God, here to do something important. There is real beauty in that. For me, it also tied my identity tightly to being good.
When your identity depends on being good, hearing 'you hurt me' can sound like 'you are not who you think you are.' That feels threatening, and the instinct is to defend. In my experience, the same pressure can also produce the opposite pattern: the caretaker who can't say no, because being good means being needed. I don't think this belongs to one faith. Any family, school, or community that tells a child 'you are the good one' can create the same pressure.
The question isn't which group we belong to. It's what we do when our certainty is challenged.
A private self-check. Answer honestly, and don't turn it on anyone else.
When someone tells me I hurt them, is my first move to explain why I did nothing wrong?
Can I say 'I was wrong' without adding 'but'?
Do I need to win, or do I need to be understood?
Do I retell conflicts so that I look reasonable?
Do I treat disagreement as information or as an attack?
Do I show empathy only when it's convenient?
Do I go silent to punish?
Have several people told me the same thing, and did I dismiss all of them?
Do the people around me only ever agree with me?
If you said yes to several, don't panic. That's information, not a verdict. A licensed therapist can help you look deeper.
Review: Narcissistic traits show up as a refusal to be wrong. They come from a mix of temperament and environment, and they can be softened.
3. How to choose kindness over being right
We live in a 'yes, Queen' world, where agreement is rewarded and disagreement is treated as an attack. We also live in a ghosting world. In two U.S. surveys, about 25% of people said they had been ghosted by a partner, and about 20% said they had ghosted someone. Most people (about 69% in one study) think more negatively of someone who has ghosted a partner. Avoidance is easy. Honest, kind conversation takes more courage.
What does 'toxic' mean? Behaviors can be toxic. People are more than their worst behavior. That distinction matters, because 'you are toxic' ends a conversation, and 'this behavior is hurting me' can open one. It does not mean you must stay close to harm. Distance can be the right choice when staying isn't safe. What matters is whether you chose it honestly and with care, not as a way to avoid taking responsibility.
A healthy relationship takes two people willing to take deep personal responsibility for how their behavior affects the relationship.
Ten ways to give people the benefit of the doubt
Pause and breathe before you respond. Regulate first.
Ask yourself, What else could be true?
Get curious before you get certain. Ask a question first.
Repeat back what you heard before you reply.
Separate the behavior from the person.
Name your part first: Here's what I did that may have hurt you.
Assume good intent while still addressing the impact.
Sleep on it when you're activated.
Ask someone you trust to tell you the truth, not just agree with you.
Ask what your core values are, and check whether your next words match them.
What are your core values? Write down your top three. Before a hard conversation, read them. The research suggests this alone can lower defensiveness.
Review: Kindness is a skill, not a mood. It starts with a pause.
To sum up
Being right feels like survival because our sense of worth is on the line. Protect it another way and you can afford to be honest.
Narcissistic traits show up as a refusal to be wrong. They come from temperament and environment, and you can check yourself privately.
Kindness is a choice you can practice. Pause, get curious, name your part, and stay close to your values.
The people who matter most to us deserve more than our certainty. They deserve our willingness.
Keep reading
If this spoke to you, my book RISING tells the story behind it: a woman's journey of healing through rituals. Read it, and if it moves you, leave a review. It helps other readers find it.
Sincerely,
Mandi Gardner
Sources
Brummelman, E., et al. (2015). Origins of narcissism in children. PNAS.
Sherman, D. K., and Cohen, G. L. (2006). The psychology of self-defense: Self-affirmation theory. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology.
Sherman, D. K. (2013). Self-affirmation: Understanding the effects. Social and Personality Psychology Compass.
Stinson, F. S., et al. (2008). Prevalence, correlates, disability, and comorbidity of DSM-IV narcissistic personality disorder. Journal of Clinical Psychiatry.
American Psychiatric Association. DSM-5-TR criteria for narcissistic personality disorder.
Freedman, G., Powell, D. N., Le, B., and Williams, K. D. (2018). Ghosting and destiny. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
Tokarz, J., et al. Narcissism and religious engagement (University of Warsaw); Karatas, Z., et al. (2026). Religiosity, narcissism, and altruism.
